Tuesday 19 November, 2019

10 things you don’t do in Bajan churches

If you don’t want to be center of gossip for the next blessed week, take care how you act on Sundays in the pews of the church.

Regular or visitor, no one is exempted from the scrutiny.

Bajans are not easy. Be careful how you’re walking if your heels keep loud ‘clip clop’ noises, if you have tattoos hide what you can and don’t feel the tambourine so much that your ‘dance’ for the Lord turns into a Grand Kadooment wuk-up.

Furthermore, here are 10 things that you shouldn’t do in most churches in Barbados, regardless of the denomination.

1. Don’t wear the same outfit two Sundays in a row. “Wuh she just had that on last week! She aint got nuh clodes?”

2. Don’t wear spaghetti straps and let your bra straps show. As a matter fact, don't wear low cut dresses and back-out.

Janet: “She aint own neidda shawl nor bolero, Muriel?”

Muriel: “She mussy gine in de dub after!”

3. Don’t wear tight dresses, pants or skirts. “Wuh evuh ting printing out!”

4. Don’t take the collection plate if you don’t have a contribution. “Tell me wuh she tek dat fuh and know she aint got a red cent!”

5. Don’t go up to the alter for every alter-call and then go back to your old ways on Sunday evenings. “If she din guh up dere I ain’t know who mek me!”

6. Don’t open yuh mints during prayers. “Hush wid dat!”

7. Do not walk up into the church like you own it during the opening prayer. “She aint know yuh is tuh stan up outside and then come in after de pastor say ‘Amen’. I ain’t know who teach dese.”

8. Don’t bring a visitor and not inform him or her that he or she will be called on to stand. “Looka who bring somebody, and de foolish woman wun even stan up lemmuh see she good. Know uh got de cataracts!”

9. Don’t leave your cellphone ringer on.

*cue Colouring this life by Vybz Kartel* Rachel scratches to find the phone and silence it.

Sister Josephine: I hate to hear dat when dat happens yuh know. All de smart phone and dem suh foolish dem don’t put de tings pun silent.

Sister Jenkins: Me? I does turn off my lil piece soul til I get home.

10. Do not drop sleep in church! “Looka, looka, look! Up all night out piss parading and feting and den can’t keep duh eyes open. Sickening!”

Anything else that is a no-no at your church?

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