Saturday 17 November, 2018

Bah! Humbug! 12 Things that turn some people into Scrooge at Christmas

Charles Dickens was not the only who could write a book about Scrooge, a Christmas-hating character.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of cheer but there are some things about the season that drive some people up a wall, even the most Yuletide-loving individuals.

Not everything may grind your gears or drive your pressure sky-high, but of these 12, maybe at least one gets your goat, unfortunately. One or two don't make you a Scrooge though, but if you identify with six or more you may need to eat a few tins of Danish butter cookies and polish off some candy canes. If that doesn't help, go live under a rock until January 7, 2018.

1. Christmas music

Only so many times in one day can some people stand to hear ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. By the fourth time, Scrooges be singing ‘All I want for Christmas is you to hush muh ears!’

2. Christmas lights and decorations

The worst thing you can tell these people is ‘Test the lights’; ‘Unravel the lights’; or ‘Help me decorate the tree’. Any of those requests will be met with a swift “Stuuuuupse”.

3. Live Christmas trees

As soon as they hit the door of the home or establishment with a Christmas tree, like an unwanted and uninvited carol singer, they will sing out ‘I hate tuh smell dem trees’ or if it’s not the smell, ‘Them trees does mek such a mess uh de house’. And all the homeowner is thinking is 1. I aint send and call you; 2. You ain’t got my house to clean; and 3. WHO SEND AND CALL YOU?!

4. Green peas

All year ‘round you get some diversity in the pot with split peas, pigeon peas, black-eyed peas and kidney beans, but as December hits everybody shelling green peas and it’s green pea rice on every menu and shopping list. And if you like peas and rice, not rice and peas, you are fresh out of luck, because at $10 per pint, Bajans be cooking the green peas sparingly. In addition, if you don’t like green peas, Christmas jug-jug will send you straight into a tailspin and blow your cool. It’s practically ALL green peas in that recipe.

5. Ham

“I don’t eat pork”; “I’m vegan”; and “De ham does be too fatty now”. All of those sentiments tend to come from people who have taken ham out of their Christmas. Run away from them if you look forward to December just to eat Christmas ham and not sliced ham, cause Christmas ham is real ham-ham.

6. Chores

Team Cleaning Ornaments, Team Window Cleaning, Team Furniture Polishing, Team Gift Wrapping, Team Christmas Tree Decorating, Team Varnishing, Team Painting the steps and gallery/verandah in tile red, Team Baking and Team Do Everything you’re told to do to avoid noise in de house. More than likely you were on one of these teams as a child and to keep your sanity now as an adult, you avoid that chore completely. Just hearing one of these chores makes you kiss yuh teet hard as ever.

7. Family

You may love your family and are accustomed to those who share the house with you, but at Christmas time when even the cousins-three-times-removed feel obliged to drop in unannounced and then you have to put up with the ones who must come in asking "Wait you aint married yet?"; “You ain’t got nuh children yet?”; “Yuh mean yuh went and get a next one?"; “You ain’t done school yet?”; and “Yuh find a job yet?”. When the calm, quiet and peace disappears, “Bah! Humbug!”

8. Shopping

The Scrooges who hate Christmas shopping get that “Whole year we ain’t need nothing but come Christmas evuhting necessary” kind of feeling. The way some people shop for Christmas you’d think the house was undressed from July and the cupboards were like Mother Hubbard’s since the children went back to school in September. Lines in the supermarket go from bearable to ‘Winter is coming’ and we live in the North.

9. Secret Santa/Gift Exchanges

Who are you to come spend what money the new taxes have left in my pocket? These persons actually wouldn’t mind having their names left out the hat and crossed off the lists. "Thanks but no thanks."

10. Staff parties

“I see you all year and now them want me dress up fancy for a night or weekend day too?” These people start coughing from the week in front or speak loudly on the phone about that thing that just popped up and now they have to cancel going to the staff party though they were looking forward to it so much. They were indeed…looking forward to avoiding it while praying it would pass quickly.

11. Sorrel

Bleh! "Sorrel? Is it the carbonated kind? That's the only one I like." Just give them some mauby or lemonade or water and don't waste you good sorrel on unappreciative persons.

12. Traffic

Just like in the supermarket, from December 1 after 4:30 pm every road - major, minor and highways just seems to be lines and lanes of red lights. "Where are you all going? This Scrooge just wants to get home and listen to some CDs or YouTube because the radio is off limits till the New Year!"

Bah! Humbug!